For the first time: See the emoticon movie!
Title: The Big Lebowskemoji
The annotated Big Lebowskemoji
We open on the desert, with a tumbleweed bouncing into the city.
In the supermarket dairy section, we find The Dude. He writes a check while George HW Bush speaks on TV.
At home, The Dude goes through his door only to be dragged by thugs into the bathroom, where he is dunked in a toilet repeatedly. He loses his sunglasses and then retrieves them, clears up he’s not married to Bunnie Lebowski. The “chinaman” pees on the rug.
Title sequence takes place at the bowling alley, closeups of balls, gutters, pins, smoking, shoes. The Dude and Walter talk about the valued rug, and maybe Mr. Jeffery Lebowski could pay for his rug, while they drink beer.
At The Big Lebowski’s mansion, The Dude and Brandt look over the award wall, hear about the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers, then he talks to The Big Lebowski about the rug, then storms out. As The Dude leaves he chats up a girl who tells him to blow on her toenail polish, and the guy in the pool won’t mind, and it’s Bunnie, who will “suck your cock for a thousand dollars but Brandt can’t watch or that’ll be $100 extra” and The Dude says he’ll go find a cash machine.
At the bowling alley, The Dude and Walter (and the Pomeranian) talk until Smokey steps over the line. Walter warns Smokey that he is entering a world of pain, and Smokey relents, finally marking it zero.
In the parking lot The Dude and Walter argue about pacifism and “that camel fucker in Iraq” as the police arrive in the background. The Dude tells Walter “you’re not wrong, you’re an asshole”.
Phone messages are heard while The Dude mixes a White Russian, then his landlord asks him to slip the (very late) rent money under his door.
The Dude is summoned back to the mansion, where he learns Bunnie has been kidnapped while he smokes a jay. “Grown men also cry, grown men also cry” is heard as The Dude reads the faxed over ransom note asking for a million dollars.
At the bowling alley, we hear the Gipsy Kings’ rendition of Hotel Californiaon guitars as The Jesus licks his ball then bowls a strike in slo-mo and The Dude and Walter discuss The Jesus and how he’s a “pederast” who exposed himself to an 8 year old. The Jesus says “If you pull that gun shit on me I’ll stick it up your ass and pull the trigger until it goes click.” 8 year olds, Dude.
At his house The Dude listens to bowling tapes on a walkman then wakes to two thugs and Maude over him, they punch him out and into a dream sequence where he flys over LA until dropping to the ground.
The Dude wakes up at home with no more (stolen) rug as his beeper goes off.
The Dude meets Brandt and gets the briefcase full of money along with a cell phone. Bunnie’s life is in your hands, Dude.
In his car, The Dude picks up Walter who takes over driving and brings a “ringer” — a fake briefcase full of his undies. The kidnappers call, get angered, then tell The Dude to drive over a bridge, throw the bag out the left window, while Walter plans an attack with an uzi after bailing at 15mph from the car. The kidnappers make a getaway on motorcycles and The Dude and Walter still have the original briefcase.
Back at the bowling alley, The Dude and Walter learn the league game is on Saturday when Walter can’t roll for religious reasons. They ignore the ringing phone. In the parking lot they learn The Dude’s car is gone from its handicapped spot, likely stolen. The Dude ignores the ringing phone and walks home.
The Dude is at home talking to two police officers questioning him about what was in the car: a briefcase with “business papers” inside, he gets a call from Maude telling him she has the rug.
At Maude’s, The Dude meets Maude, sees her art and she’s naked, they discuss coitus, Bunnie, coitus, then she shows a porn tape of Logjammin’, featuring a woman exiting a shower. They also discuss a split of recovered money and how The Dude must see the doctor, who is very thorough.
In a limo The Dude enjoys a white russian with Dom Irrera driving, then is forceably pulled into The Big Lebowski’s limo where he shares all this new shit that has come to light but then is handed a severed toe. The Big Lebowski says whatever happens to Bunnie will rain down on The Dude tenfold.
At a diner, Walter and The Dude discuss the toe, which is no big deal, Walter can get you a toe by 3pm with nail polish. They argue until a waitress says Walter must quiet down or get kicked out, and he stays to finish his coffee. He’s finishing his coffee.
At home, The Dude gets a call while in the bath just as the kidnappers break in to threaten him with a marmot. The Dude freaks out in the tub then they leave but promise to return.
In North Hollywood, The Dude meets the cop to retrieve his car. The Dude asks about “leads” and the cop bursts out laughing.
At the bowling alley, The Dude and Walter discuss things over a white russian & beer, Walter talks about how nothing changes with The Germans, who won’t cut off The Dude’s johnson, and aquatic mammals aren’t legal either. The Dude drinks another white russian and talks to The Stranger who tells The Dude sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes the bear eats you. Then The Dude gets a call from Maude.
At Maude’s place, The Dude meets a strange video artist, makes a white russian, talks to Maude who urges seeing the doctor, she mentions the kidnappers’ album, she gets a phone call, they laugh.
The Dude is at the doctor’s office, and the doctor is very thorough, asking The Dude to pull down his shorts.
In his car after the doctor appointment, The Dude listens to some Credence, smokes a jay, notices he is being followed, drops the joint in his lap, pours a beer onto his crotch, then crashes his car. He then finds Larry Sellers’ homework in between the seats.
At an auditorium, the landlord performs his dance quintet. The Dude and Walter talk about confronting Larry, who lives near the In-N-Out, how they’ll shake him down for the money, then get burgers after.
At Larry’s house, The Dude and Walter confront Larry, then when stymied, Walter goes out to destroy the new corvette, talking of what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass (alps). This angers the true owner of the car, and The Dude’s car gets destroyed too, but they do end up with burgers.
At home, The Dude talks to Walter on the phone while trying to brace his door from intruders by hammering a board in the floor, but the front door opens out, and Jackie Treehorn’s goons arrive to fetch The Dude.
At Jackie’s beach party, he meets The Dude and serves him a white russian, takes a phone call, The Dude copies a note from the call, gets another drink then is drugged to blackout, a blackout darker than a moonless night.
Dream sequence number 2: A bowling montage. The Dude gets shoes from Saddam Hussein, dances with Maude, then his fantasy is interrupted by the kidnappers chasing him with giant scissors to cut his dick off.
It’s night, The Dude is running down the streets of Malibu, he gets picked up by a police car. The Dude sings the theme to Branded.
In the police station, the chief of the beach community police yells at The Dude and throws a coffee cup at The Dude’s head, before kicking him out of Malibu.
The Dude is in a taxi leaving Malibu, doesn’t want to hear The Eagles, and gets kicked out of the cab for demanding the music is turned off.
Bunnie drives by, with all ten toes.
At home, The Dude meets Maude waiting for him, they make love. Post-coitus they share a smoke, then The Dude makes a white russian while Maude does “yoga” to increase the chances of conception. The Dude calls Walter to pick him up because it’s an emergency, but he’s shomer Shabbos.
Outside, The Dude confronts the guy following him in a blue car and learns it’s a private eye hired by Bunnie’s family.
Walter picks up The Dude
Cut to a diner, where the kidnappers order pancakes, and we see a girlfriend of theirs (Amiee Mann!) is missing a toe.
In Walter’s van, The Dude and Walter talk about the case and judaism’s glorious history. We see Bunnie’s car crashed into a fountain.
At the mansion, The Dude and Walter confront Brandt, then the Big Lebowski about the money and Bunnie and how it was all a fake setup of The Dude. Walter is convinced the Big Lebowski isn’t really disabled, dumps him from the chair, and the dog licks him while he sobs.
At the bowling alley, The Jesus confronts them to protest moving the date of the next round of their bowling league event.
In the parking lot, The Dude’s car is on fire. The Dude, Walter, and Donnie take on the kidnappers who demand money. In a fight, Walter bites part of an ear off, spitting it into the air. He punches out another kidnapper. Donnie is down with a heart attack and dies.
At the funeral home, they argue over the costs of taking Donnie’s remains.
At the beach, The Dude and Walter give a eulogy, dump the ashes, which get blown into The Dude. Walter apologizes and hugs The Dude who was livid.
At the bowling alley, The Dude picks up beers for him and Walter, saying hi to The Stranger. The Stranger talks a bit to finish it all up.
Credit: Matt Haughey